Goodbye

I am a useless waste of space. I've let down everyone I've ever cared about, and now I have nothing and no one left. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I wish I could change this but I can't. I can't do this anymore.

By the time anyone reads this, I'll be dead.

I am scum. The eyes are right. I'm nothing, I'm worthless, and I hate myself for forgetting. I forgot, and now someone else I care about is dead.

What is Wrong With Me?

The eyes. They're not Nina's. She had deep brown eyes that almost matched her hair. I don't know why I thought they were hers, I know they're Sam's. I'd forgotten about him. I'd honestly forgotten everything and I don't know why.

Now that I remember, the guilt is even worse. I can't look anywhere without seeing his eyes staring at me. I deserve this for forgetting him, I deserve all of the pain and hurt his gaze can inflict. I let myself forget him, even as I posted on this blog that was meant as a memorial to him. I've betrayed him and myself because of a child. I'm still trying to remember so much, and I'm scared that I may never get it back, because when I try too hard to think about other things, it's like Nina forces herself back into my thoughts. Even some of the things I've posted about seem like things that happened to someone else.

Nina's eyes weren't hazel. HIS eyes were hazel. How could I forget like that?

Punishment

I think I may be seriously going insane. I don't know if it's guilt or obsession, but I cannot go anywhere without seeing eyes staring at me from everywhere possible and sometimes even places that shouldn't be. It got better for a while when I posted last, so I'm here again hoping against hope that whatever mania has taken over my life might be placated by my efforts. I don't know what else to do, I can't eat or sleep with these eyes judging my every move.

I wish I'd never met Nina, I wish whatever monster took my Jill from me would have managed to take her instead. I wish she'd never left her family, or perhaps that she'd have been caught by the authorities before she woke me from that hideous dream. Even if it would have meant staying there forever, I think I might prefer a real hell rather than being forever taunted by the happiness of the real world but unable to reach it.

I don't know what they want, but I know the eyes want something. I suppose this is my punishment for being a failure as a mother, a friend, an academic... I've failed at everything I've ever tried to do and now I am to be punished for it. But what do they want?

What to Do

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I know that I'll never find Nina, not like this, but I can't stop searching anyway. She's all I can think about,and I see her everywhere, out of the corner of my eye. Her eyes, staring, begging, accusing me of abandoning her, of not trying hard enough, of giving up. I think I'm going crazy.

I dreamed once of the worst hell I could imagine. It was a nightmare city full of shadows, watching me and twisting before my very eyes. It seemed so innocent at first, but the longer I stayed there the more it twisted into nightmare shapes, horrifying monsters showing up to threaten me. Nina woke me from that hell, but now I've found myself in a new, more horrifying reality. Hazel eyes, everywhere, watching me, looking so sad and so lost.

Maybe this is what I deserve, for letting her slip through my fingers. Maybe this is how I'm doomed to spend my days, wandering hopelessly through the world, desperate to find the one thing I never can. All I know is, I want out.